You’re only making matters worse. And I’m not a selfish bitch. I have a disorder, asshole.
- Jude Law and a Semester Abroad [Early Recording Session]
B-Sides & Rarities
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
an early recording of jude law & a semester abroad // brand new
(Source: xmovielife)
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: How to Save a Life | Self Para/Braiden →
Through heavy-lidded eyes and a hazy reality, Liv could only imagine that it was Braiden who ran into her bathroom, Braiden who picked her up for her tub, and Braiden who held her against his chest as she sobbed, holding onto him for dear life, even if her blood began to cover…
Mumbles and odd sounds and distant noises were all Liv could hear as her arms were tied at the top of her cuts, making sure no more blood (if she even had any left) could escape her. The EMTS loaded her into the back of the ambulance, one stopping to ask Braiden if he was her boyfriend, then asking if he’d like to ride with them. Immediately, she was hooked up to an IV, her blood loss was detrimental and she was on the edge of life and death. The team seemed panicked, willing this girl to live, and finally they had made it to the hospital, the same one Liv had been placed at after her car wreck, and the nurses that grew to knew her, grew to love her in that short period of time were all disappointed. What caused this?
Now in a room with a blood transfusion in the process, Liv had been completely knocked out, all around her was black, the noises were gone, and she was all alone in her mind. Braiden had saved her, yes, he came for her just in the nick of time. But it was too late now, she hoped. She couldn’t bear it if the doctor’s had done their job correctly and that she’d have to live again after making such an awful mess. And she couldn’t live knowing Braiden would be there for her in times of distress, but never when it came to her mistakes. He’d punish her, then be the hero when she needed him most. And my god that was not fair.
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: How to Save a Life | Self Para/Braiden →
And so this was it. Liv was sobbing on her bathroom floor, her clothes stripped off as she held herself tightly. She had meant to just take a warm shower, think things through, think her actions through and try to make herself realize that Braiden would never be hers again….
Through heavy-lidded eyes and a hazy reality, Liv could only imagine that it was Braiden who ran into her bathroom, Braiden who picked her up for her tub, and Braiden who held her against his chest as she sobbed, holding onto him for dear life, even if her blood began to cover his shirt. And through her dream state, she could’ve swore he had called her beautiful, and that began to make her sob even more. Because if he still thought she was beautiful, then she could at least try to see it as well. She’d be able to look past all the cuts and bruises, be able to see past her flaws, if only he could too.
Her fingers that gripped at his shirt were slowly letting go as the blood began to drain from her body. There was only so much in her, and a majority of it had already filled her tub. But it seemed that Martha was just coming to check on her when she noticed the open door, stopping with a look of horror on her face. Before her in Liv’s pristine white bathroom was Braiden, holding the young girl in his arms, her blood dripped from the tub to the floor where she lay now, her wrists cut wide and deep. “Oh my goodness! What happened? What did she do?” Pained, Martha wasted no time grabbing a cellphone to call the police who would surely send an ambulance.
How to Save a Life | Self Para/Braiden
And so this was it. Liv was sobbing on her bathroom floor, her clothes stripped off as she held herself tightly. She had meant to just take a warm shower, think things through, think her actions through and try to make herself realize that Braiden would never be hers again. But as she stripped, she came to a different realization; she had nothing. Her parents love, was not hers. They loved one another, they loved everyone but their own daughter. A grudge had been held against her for the death of her older brother which she could never let go. Though, this truly was not her fault, she always blamed herself. Her friends, what friends? They loved one another, but none of them cared to even reach out to Liv, not after her return, and not even before hand. Her best friend had moved on, her old group of friends didn’t like her, or trust her. And now, the only person she could run to, the only person she could love and the only person she thought would love her forever, was no longer hers.
She sat there, cradling herself, her eyes wandered through her tears, scouring the visible contents of her bathroom. No one would care, no one would find her until the next morning when Martha, her maid, would come to tidy up her room and bathroom. Braiden would finally be rid of her for once and for all, he did tell her he did not want to be in her life. He had Effy now to pour his love over, and Liv was long and forgotten. Was it not just months ago that they had vowed they loved each other and always would? They had picked out baby names, and a place they would settle down. They decided the floor plan for the house they’d build and where they’d want a vacation home. But Liv had tossed it all down the drain. If only, if only she could keep control of herself, her actions, her moods, her behavior. But without medication, she’d be worthless, and without her parent’s support, she was worthless, and without Braiden she was entirely nothing. Olivia Michéle VanMarque was nothing.
Another gulp, another sob, another hiccup had coursed through her as she finally untangled her body and staggered to the sink. She knew exactly where she kept it, she knew exactly where to find it when she needed it the most. And now, she needed it more than anything. But tonight would not call for simple lines across her slender wrists. Tonight called for many down them, enough to stop the pain and stop her breathing. Her heart would no longer beat, and it would no longer be Braiden’s.
Her hand rummaged through the top drawer of her bathroom counter, and there in the very back was the razor she had stolen from her father’s dog tags. Accidentally pricking her finger, she felt the first sharp pain, and gracious did it feel marvelous to feel something other than a broken heart. Her arm still in it’s sling, and her eyes puffy from crying, one of them completely swollen shut thanks to Effy. Her nose was bandaged and in it’s very own cast in hopes it would heal, though it would never be as perfect again. Who the fuck was she anymore? She certainly did not look like Liv VanMarque, nor did she feel it. Her confidence had been drained, she was completely drained. Life was difficult, and with her disorder, it only made it the more unbearable.
Her manic episodes drover her mad, causing her to commit outrageous acts, causing her to ruin her life within seconds. Her depressive episodes caused her to lash out, made her hate herself, gave her no hope for whatever future she might have had. And so she began, sitting herself in the tub as she ran warm water, lighting the candles around her and even pouring in bath salts and lavender bubble bath soap to make the event a little more special.
When she deemed her bath fool, Liv turned the faucet off, leaning her foot beneath it as her head lay at the opposite end of her garden tub. The shower curtain had been pulled back, and steam was now covering her mirror. The razor in her right hand, she took her left arm out of her cast, unsure how she’d be able to use it to slice her right one open. Closing her eyes, she thought of one the song that Braiden and she had danced to at her parent’s Christmas party, and it almost made her feel better, but then her thoughts wandered to the other night, Braiden’s birthday night, the slow song she had caught Effy and Braiden dancing to. It had been the same. Evening Kitchen by Band of Horses. Why. Why was Effy taking her place? But Liv couldn’t dwell on it any longer.
Using her left hand, painful and tearing at her shoulder, she ran the blade down her right wrist, deep and with passion. Immediately her skin was torn in half, immediately it had been broken and blood began to seep through the cut. And another, and another, until her right wrist had been completely dripping. Then her right hand, now just as painful from the incisions, began to stroke down her left wrist, one after the other and it seemed she couldn’t stop. When she was satisfied, she placed her razor on the edge of the bathtub, allowing her blood to flow into her bathwater, allowing herself to fall into a dream-like state. This was it and there was no turning back, even if she wanted to. Which she couldn’t, and she didn’t. Her eyes began to lose focus and her vision became hazed. With the amount of blood she was losing at this rapid pace, she began to become dizzy, closing her eyes as she let death come for her.
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: Note to Self | Braiden/Effy →
Liv was livid. Her eyes flew from Braiden to Effy then back to Braiden, her mouth agape. “A-are you going to let her talk to me like that?!” Surely Braiden would stand up for her, she was his everything at one point. Turning back to Effy, Liv walked towards her slowly, with a…
“Braiden..” Liv could all but sigh and shake her head. But it was no use. Effy had won him over for now and all Liv had in her were tears. One arm broken and one to her cheek, Liv did her best to stifle her cries. Futile. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” She screamed out at Braiden, pushing him with her good arm as she fled the scene an pushed past Effy, tripping over her feet down the stairs and back to her car. In no time she’s be home, in no time she’d be in her bath tub, and in no time, she’d be gone.
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: Note to Self | Braiden/Effy →
“But you do love me! You admitted that you couldn’t be in love with anyone else while I was around! You fucking said it!!” Came Liv’s reply. Louder than she meant it to be, though she prayed that Effy heard. What was that bitch doing anyway? “We got married in Vegas, you called…
Liv was livid. Her eyes flew from Braiden to Effy then back to Braiden, her mouth agape. “A-are you going to let her talk to me like that?!” Surely Braiden would stand up for her, she was his everything at one point. Turning back to Effy, Liv walked towards her slowly, with a right mind to slap her. “This is none of your business. This has nothing in the world to do with you. He’ll never be yours, Effy.” Liv couldn’t stifle a chuckle. “I will always be in the back of his mind when he’s with you. Always.”
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: Note to Self | Braiden/Effy →
Liv had been so immersed in self pitying herself she almost missed Braiden’s words. But she backtracked and her tears stopped, as well as her apologies. She looked up at him, disgusted, hurt, shocked, so many emotions. But she regained herself, pushing off from Braiden. “You…
“But you do love me! You admitted that you couldn’t be in love with anyone else while I was around! You fucking said it!!” Came Liv’s reply. Louder than she meant it to be, though she prayed that Effy heard. What was that bitch doing anyway? “We got married in Vegas, you called me your wife…I’m Liv Woodrow.” She sighed, though if he wouldn’t come around, desperate times called for desperate measures. “I’ll do anything you want, anything for you. Just please, please take me back…”
Sky might fall, but I'm not worried at all.: Note to Self | Braiden/Effy →
Liv took Braiden’s invitation, as open as it was, a step too far. Within moments she found herself with her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her head in the crook of his neck, sobbing. Her pleads varied from “love me”, “take me back”, “I’m sorry”, and “I’ll change”, but…
Liv had been so immersed in self pitying herself she almost missed Braiden’s words. But she backtracked and her tears stopped, as well as her apologies. She looked up at him, disgusted, hurt, shocked, so many emotions. But she regained herself, pushing off from Braiden. “You have to.” Her tone was blunt, it was more of an order. “Effy doesn’t deserve you. That should be me out there, and you know it! You think of me just as much as I think of you! Admit it, dammit!”
